<p><strong><em>Beautiful disaster.</em></strong></p><p>The first thing that comes to mind when I think of her.</p><p><br></p><p><strong><em>Who hurt you?</em></strong></p><p>The first question comes to mind when I open my mouth to greet her.</p><p><br></p><p>Although it wasn't the easiest to reach, I knew&nbsp;<strong><em>her heart was pure</em></strong>. Gentle to the touch yet stubborn as a bull, she made it hard to resist her. Unintentionally,&nbsp;<strong><em>she sank her hooks in me</em></strong>. She was the&nbsp;<strong><em>calm before my storm</em></strong>. A thunderous, darkening storm with lightning that graciously&nbsp;<strong><em>exposed the paternity of my brother and me</em></strong>. Though the gloom of it all lingered above both our heads, the winds that accompanied the storm were the&nbsp;<strong><em>breath of fresh air</em></strong>&nbsp;that I needed. Instead of the hovering clouds producing gazillions of little droplets of rain, they showered me with&nbsp;<strong><em>new siblings, nieces, nephews, sister-in-laws, and brother-in-laws</em></strong>. For so long, it had just been me, my mother, my cousins, and my brother. But, then there was her and eventually, them. Simultaneously,&nbsp;<strong><em>I found my father and my forever</em></strong>. And, I was ready for&nbsp;<strong><em>whatever when it came down to them both.</em></strong></p><p><br></p><p><br></p><p><strong><em>Victim of my despair.</em></strong></p><p>That's what I believe him to be.</p><p><br></p><p><strong><em>Why must you continue hurting yourself to love me?</em></strong></p><p>It's the question I desperately want to ask the man who sees no flaws in such a flawed woman.</p><p><br></p><p>Persistent, he was - unintentionally making it most difficult to&nbsp;<strong><em>bury my trauma</em></strong>. Forgetting the past and what it had done to me wasn't easy. I lived with the consequences of it all each and every day. But, him,&nbsp;<strong><em>he made me want to</em></strong>. The issue was, I couldn't. Not for him. Not for me. Not for our future. So, instead of stringing him along,&nbsp;<strong><em>I prayed each day that he'd find someone to fill the void that his heart must've suffered from</em></strong>&nbsp;because I couldn't. But,&nbsp;<strong><em>he didn't want anyone else</em></strong>. He wanted me. I just didn't have myself to give. Not to him...&nbsp;<strong><em>and not even to me</em></strong>.</p>